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UGLY IS UNIVERSAL


There is nearly always some good that derives from bad circumstances. Agathokakological is the word that comes to mind.

I have had a revelation, an epiphany since this ubiquitous, world-wide masking occurred. My revelation? 95% of humans are not particularly attractive. Mask-wearing has leveled the esthetic playing field as it were; it has leveled the playing field for us who find ourselves cosmetically challenged. No more jealousy, no need for vanity. There is a reason I have never been contacted by Chippendales or Playgirl…no camera ever invented could have withstood the shock.

Humans have been wearing clothes for hundreds of centuries for a very good reason: most naked people look hideous. Had we not, our species likely would have been disgusted to death. Sorry to burst your self- absorbed bubble, but chances are your self-impression is not exactly what others see. Take a Caribbean cruise. This is a venue where self-control is sorely challenged. This is where even humanity’s most repulsive-looking membership loses all sense of propriety and reveals themselves to a captive audience. Fat, lily-white, hirsute old men in Speedos is one of history’s most abhorrent events. There is a reason cavorting naked in public is a misdemeanor, and probably should be a felony.

All this may come as a shock to many of you, but just to prove I am correct get naked and look in a mirror... a full-length mirror. I take no responsibility for the consequences. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

still waiting,

still waiting,

Zzzzzzz

You’re back. See what I mean? Not pretty. I sincerely hope this demonstration did not induce blindness or seven years of bad luck.

You see, I also own a full-length mirror. I have been seeing myself naked for over 8 decades and believe me, things have not gotten better over the years. The once childhood-cute freckles and little dimple I inherited from my Mother have morphed into various keratoses that form National Park-worthy arches over the Canyonland-worthy wrinkles. Unlike those national geologic treasures that were created over millions of years, my national wonders have taken mere decades to develop.

I now spend hours discovering the cosmic Constellations among the spots on my face. I have so far discovered the Big Dipper, three Little Dippers, one Taurus, four Leos, and one Orion, including the belt. 30 years ago I began looking in mirrors with only one eye, hoping the visual shock would be diminished by half. Then I discovered by rapidly switching eyes the canals of Mars appeared to shift in a sort of mesmerizing kaleidoscopic panoply, not unlike a 1960s Woodstock experience. Which brings me to the subject of this post…masks. Why? Because, it appears they will be with us for many months, perhaps even forever.

As mask-wearing continues, and likely should by federal statutory mandate, I have observed people in general (and myself in particular) tend to look more appealing in masks. This begs the question, why? Well, because it’s our noses and mouths and chins that are the anatomy that make most of us look ugly or attractive.

A mask is an equalizer; it makes ugly people at least tolerable. Granted, there are a few out there who don’t need a mask, they need a hazmat suit. But fact-check this: nearly everyone looks better in a mask. And when for whatever rational or irrational reason someone drops their mask and reveals the Southern hemisphere my initial reaction is “OMG! That person is way uglier than I expected.”

In that circumstance you, my friend, are a PMI…Permanent Masking Incident. Pull up your mask and never, ever remove it in public again. Come to think of it, never, ever remove it anywhere again. Sleep in it. Shower in it. Shave in it. Eat and brush your teeth in it. Your bad breath is not my problem…two words…Tic Tac.

As I stare at my reflection, mask in place, I have concluded perhaps I should just resign myself to the fact I am a PMI and should just wear a pillowcase.

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