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RECREATIONAL RIOTING, LEISURE-TIME LOOTING and GOLF


I am watching the great American riots. I am a docile old white guy, so I am having a bit of difficulty understanding the process, but as I watch TV I am learning. What am I learning, you ask? Read on…

There are likely about 10% of those “protesting” who actually know why they are protesting, i.e. who is George Floyd? The other 90% seem to be “recreational rioters” enjoying a somewhat novel evening on the town. After all, what with the COVID virus suppressing the joy of a typical evening for the WOKE crowd, any excuse to get out of the house for a few hours is welcome, indeed.

The weather is nice, get out of the house where you can meet new Anti-Fascist friends, hook up if things work out, compare tats and piercings, toss a few bricks, burn a police car, compare mountain bikes, share Magic Markers and poster board, try on various styles of gas masks, chant a mindless slogan or two (perhaps in four-part harmony if you are truly creative), and loot a Target or two. I haven’t seen any of these recreational rioters looting Walmart, which should tell you something about the comparative quality of merchandise. Looters, after all, do have some degree of taste. A new ad campaign for Target: “The Store Discerning Looters Chose.”

I might occur to a few of these recreational rioters we are still in the midst of a pandemic? Hello? COVID? It has killed more colored and white (BTW, white IS a “color”) Americans in the last two months than all the police in the past 200 years. And for all you rioters who are not observing social distancing and not wearing masks and not using hand sanitizer before hurling bricks and traffic cones and Molotov cocktails, well, shame on you. What are you thinking?!

Apparently, now that there ARE enough ventilators, damn the COVID…take the risk, burn a police station! Spend your Paycheck Protection Plan check on a new gas mask. Then spend the next three weeks in ICU on one of the shiny new GM-manufactured ventilators... Made in the USA!

I have a question for those looters: What are you going to do with that Target cart once you get home with your bounty of Air Jordan Sneakers and Nike sweatpants and that new Samsung flat-screen TV? My guess is you won’t return it; if not, you clearly have crossed the decorum line and have no sense of proper social graces. So, there sits on your porch a Target shopping cart screaming “HERE LIVES A LOOTER!” That heavy banging on your door is the SWAT team. Unintended consequences suck.

So what have I learned? My wife and I are planning a night out…downtown to protests for an hour or two, hurl a couple of bricks, then stop by a Men’s Warehouse or Dick’s Sporting goods for a bit of leisure-time looting…I need a new tuxedo in case I become a lounge singer, and a new putter to improve my golf game.

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