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GRUB HUB FLUB


There are some things I should not be permitted to do. For example (and there are endless examples) using a chainsaw after drinking scotch, rewiring a light switch while sitting in the hot tub, or ordering food online. Not that I have done all those things, of course, except for ordering food online. I did that last night (ordering online, not rewiring the light switch), and it did not turn out well.


I decided to “cook” dinner, which in my COVID-restricted world means ordering out. In this day of ubiquitous internet interactions, I decided to go online and order hamburgers and fries from Five Guys and Fries. Not four guys or six guys. We like Five Guys and their fries. Five seems to be the magic number.


The online ordering process through Grub Hub was a bit confusing for me, daunting in fact. To be clear, the fault is not with Grub Hub or Five Guys; they are not responsible for the mental confusion of the elderly, although there might be merit to the argument eating greasy hamburgers and fries for 7 decades might have contributed.


I perused the menu and began my selections, clicking on the appropriate buttons...double cheeseburger, regular cheeseburger, small fries (watching my diet) and chocolate malt. Having entered my order, somehow the internet page seemed not to have worked properly. I was not certain the order was completed; it did not seem completed. So, given that uncertainty and attending to the protestations of my hungry stomach I closed the website, reopened the website and again ordered two hamburgers, a small fries (there is no such thing as a “small” Five Guys fries), and a chocolate malt (aka heavenly nectar). Delivery time was an assuring 40 minutes. My culinary skills having been exercised, I settled down to watch Wheel of Fortune, one eye on Vanna and the other on my watch, content in the knowledge that in 40 minutes two hamburgers, a small fries and a chocolate malt would miraculously arrive at my front door. God, I love to cook; I find it relaxing.


In this intervening time I did note Vanna White is still hot, and as long as I have adequate vision I will watch WOF. My wife noted, “You’re drooling…again.”


“Sush,” I replied, as if her talking would adversely affect my visual acuity and blur my vision of Vanna.


Having completed WOF, and 10 minutes into Jeopardy the doorbell rang. The Grub Hub bub handed me a curiously heavy, large, grease-stained paper sack, a carrier with not one, but two malts, and dashed away to his still-running car.


In the kitchen I opened the bag, the warmth aroma of fresh French fries and cheeseburgers wafted forth, causing my heart to flutter and my stomach to growl in anticipation. I peered into the bag. Something seemed not entirely right. The bag was belching forth French fries. There were not two foil-wrapped burger delights beckoning me; there were four foil-wrapped burger delights immediately visible. How could this be? We can’t eat four burgers!


Now if you have eaten at Five Guys you understand that they are very generous with their French fries, and my bag of goodies certainly affirmed that generosity. They are, in fact, famous for French fries frivolity. They bury their bagged burgers in French fries. One must dig through this abundance of fries to retrieve one’s burger, which is precisely what I did. What I found was shocking.


Beneath the blanket of hot fries lay not two, not three, not four, not five burgers. No, beneath this cocoon of potatoes I discovered six, count them, six hamburgers and two cups of fries. I glanced at the two malts and things began to become clear. I squinted to read the receipt stapled to the appealing, greasy bag. The “total” said $122. $122!!!!!


At that very instance my phone text message alerted. It was a warning from my bank. “ATTENTION. Your account may have been hacked. It appears someone ordered a suspiciously large quantity of food from Five Guys and charged it to your account. Please immediately change your password.”


So, long story short, I have been cooking hamburgers for dinner for three days in a row. The internet offers YouTube video on how to reheat a Five Guys burger, suggesting I am not the only internet idiot out there.


But, not to be discouraged, my next online attempt, I have decided, will be to order a car from Carvana. I’m thinking a new Corvette or six…if I can afford a six-car garage.

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