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I am going to warn you right up front: I will be using the rather graphic words “poop” and “poopation” and “poopinating” and that might offend some of you. I do not care; poop is a critical process in this piece, so live with it or be mentally constipated…your choice.

Other than politicians, (who eat everything from green beans to small babies and apparently never poop thereby (making them certifiably full of it), everyone with any sense of personal hygiene and social consideration poops.

If you haven’t been to Home Depot in a while, you must go now while these unique items last as I predict with this new marketing angle they will sell out in short order. I went not expecting what I found. My destination: toilets. My mission: toilets. My desire: toilets. My commitment: toilets. My focus: toilets. I was in need of a toilet because, suffice to say, the toilet being replaced did not “sit well”.

You see, I currently have two toilets that must have been produced in the 19th century when people were much smaller. These two toilets, while possibly appropriate to miniature people in 1880, they are too short and too round for people in the 21st Century. I prefer a proper height (16.5 inches) that does not force my knees into my chest, or more precisely into my stomach which used to be my chest. And round toilets? No thanks. Those little round toilets are like sitting on an outhouse hole. And, besides, the added oval frontal space is appreciated; just why that is important to me I will leave to your imagination butt let me confirm your probable first impression is likely correct.

In need of a new, modern, oblong and elevated commode, I proceeded to Home Depot to secure my very own Home “De Pot.” BTW, this is one of the few items marketed in this world that does not allow test drive.

If you haven’t purchased a toilet recently, you will be interested to learn pooping is a very competitive industry as confirmed by the presence of over thirty models on display; butt until this shopping spree I did not realize pooping has now progressed to the level of a competitive sporting event. Read on.

The shiny new toilets are located in the plumbing aisle 37, the thirty models perched on an upper shelf (well above my level line of sight) backlit by glowing LEDs, a truly regal extravaganza of white porcelain, stunning ceramic glistening like diamonds among the PVC pipes and brass elbows. It is this breath-taking site that made me gasp in wonder reminding me of my first glimpse of the Grand Canyon at sunrise. It annoyed me that these thirty commodes were not displayed on the floor level where customers could undertake a full-pants-on faux-poop test. After all, this is a decision that will last for decades, a major life-deposit, as it were.

But, imagine my surprise when cardboard depictions of seven pool balls and ten golf balls cascaded from the rims of these model commodes. Curious, I leaned closer to read the small print.

Glacier Bay proudly proclaims their newest model can flush SEVEN POOL BALLS IN ONE FLUSH (as if in the past, flushing seven pools balls required more than one flush). I would challenge this claim, butt if it is true I would be left with only a half a rack, which then leads the question: do I flush all stripes or all solids or a combination? And, is now acceptable to “scratch”? And does this innovation change the meaning of “call shot”?

Not to be snookered, American Standard responded with their own “Champion” model they claim can dispense with TEN GOLF BALLS IN ONE FLUSH.

Perhaps Kohler is planning their own entry into the market of sporting toilets, their Hall of Fame “Dick Butt(t)kus” model that can flush an entire NFL football...INFLATED! I’m waiting for the Baseball model, and as technology advances, the bowling ball model.

So, how does one test these claims? Are the employees of Consumer Report eating pool balls and golf balls as we speak? I must confess, I have never eaten a single pool ball. I did once eat a golf ball thanks to a bet with my golfing buddy telling him “If you make that putt I’ll eat your ball”.

“I can’t decide,” I lamented to the Home Depot Associate in the orange vest. “Pool balls or golf balls. It’s all so daunting. It constipates the mind.”

“Well, it does depend a great deal on your diet choices,” she replied. “Are you more inclined toward pockets or holes?”

I pondered only momentarily. “I am a hole kind of guy.”

“Then, I suggest the American Standard Champion ten golf ball model.”

“I do like a good game of 8-ball, however,” I observed.

“Then, the Glacier Bay “Willy Mosconi” seven pool ball model may appeal.”

I considered the options for a moment, then asked the obvious question: “Do they provide recipes with their toilets?”

She tilted her head much like my dog does when I say “dog bone”.

“What’s the point if I don’t eat an occasional pool ball or feast on a fusion cuisine of Titleists and Top Flights? I mean, does Emeril have a recipe for pool balls etouffee’? Does Bobbie Flay TexMex-grill golf balls? Sauteed Spaldings, anyone? Does a crock pot tenderize a Titleist? Can you pressure cook a cue ball? And does one put catsup on a Callaway or mustard on a Mashie? Can you microwave a Mizuno? And what about side dishes? Does one serve a side of scalloped tees or divots au gratin? I cannot begin to think of wine pairings. These manufacturers should provide in the toilet carton, along with the bowl, tank, handle, and wax ring, a starter box of golf balls or pool balls, and a recipe book on the new Fusion Commode Sports Cuisine.

And, finally, ponder this as you drift off to sleep tonight: exactly how will your local sewage treatment facility manage this oncoming onslaught of effluent sporting equipment? Is pool ball poop the newest threat to global warming? And, will Dick’s Sporting Goods anticipate a new line of competitive toilet lids? And, please, do not discount my suggestion to Kohler…the NFL Football model…and a new sponsor for the Super (Toilet) Bowl.

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