COVidiots, the Darwin Award, Rebellion, Cyclotrons, Checkout Lines and My Toilet Paper Threat Assess

I confess: I am the one who leaves that cart in the checkout aisle at Lowes or Home Depot. Today I left a cart with only two cans of spray paint and a small, but very expensive bag of grass seed (no, not that kind of “Colorado grass”). The checkout line was 40 minutes long, and that estimate is probably low. Understand, I do not stand in line for 40 minutes with hundreds of other people during COVID season, especially when roughly 70% are not wearing masks. (One exception: Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland when I was 7 years old.) As I walked away from the cart most people stared at me; one guy applauded his understanding, hesitated then walked away from his cart, a comrade in the Home Depot Rebellion.

I see an astonishing number of people we will henceforth refer to as COVidiots walking around in public not wearing masks; I am not sure why they decline to wear masks, but I do believe they are prime candidates for the 2020 Darwin Award or thirty years without parole, or both.

Here’s my take: if you decline to wear a mask what you are announcing is “I don’t give a rat’s rear end about you, your family, myself, my family, any homo sapiens, the economy, America, the World, so go ahead and confront me and I’ll rip your head off.” Those without masks in public are simply declaring they are among the most stupid bipeds on Earth.

These “COVidiots”, for lack of a better explanation, must have recently returned from the deepest jungles of the Amazon (which, BTW, I understand is owned by Jeff Bezos) where there is no news coverage. They apparently have not heard about the Wuhan Chinese world-wide killer pandemic and contemporary threat to human existence (the other such worldwide killer pandemic being the supersized Happy Meal). After all, the pandemic is being kept pretty hush-hush, low-profile on the major TV channels. For instance, I haven’t seen mention of it on the Cartoon Network and QVC. After all, Yosemite Sam and Bugs Bunny are not likely COVID carriers, and COVID can’t survive on a cubic zirconia from QVC.

It is as if these COVidiots believe those sub-microscopic virus particles that look like soccer balls with dozens of spiky mushroom clouds exploding from the surface do not exist because, well, they cannot be seen except through an electron microscope. Most COVIDiots don’t own an electron microscope like most of us. I keep my electron microscope in my garage, along with my MRI scanner and cyclotron, all of which are covertly tapped into the neighbor’s electrical fuse box. I scan all items brought in from outside with the electron microscope, as should all of you; it’s only wise. Besides, it’s entertaining watching the neighbor’s lights dim when you flip the switch on your cyclotron.

I mean, think of it people: “Corona” virus. How can the CDC and power-crazed politicians possibly provoke a sense of abject fear against something named after one of the world’s most beloved malt brews? I mean, little wonder barhopping is now banned when patrons keep yelling “Give me another Corona?” Really? Upon hearing such a request any well-meaning barfly would naturally comply and cough in your face.

And speaking of coughing, get this: Inmates at jails are actually coughing directly into each other’s faces with the intent of transmitting the virus so they could get out of jail! Honor among thieves has no boundaries! Remember, however, these cons are already preregistered at birth for the Darwin Award, and I have it on good authority Darwin himself may have succumbed to COVID…or maybe not. It is just rumor.

I suggest the ubiquitous “they” should immediately rename this “Corona” virus to something truly repulsive and fearmongering such as the “Lutefisk” virus or the “Jägermeister” virus or the “Vegemite” virus. If you ever tasted Vegemite you know exactly what I am saying here.

Why didn’t those CDC geniuses choose a more ominous name as did the CDC back in the Middle Ages like the “Black Death” or the “Pestilence” or the “Plague”. Those are far more ominous sounding.

Toilet Paper Threat Minor Assessment Scale (ToPaTMiAss)

Stand aside, Dr. Fauci. While the statistical scientific world is creating and releasing on a nearly minute-by-minute basis their mathematical bell curves and and flattening curves and data tables I have discovered my own scientific method to determine the current status of COVID which I call the Toilet Paper Threat Minor Assessment Scale or the ToPaTMiAss scale for short.

That’s right…we are back to basics with toilet paper...scraping bottom, as it were. Before the COVID death rate was at its peak toilet paper shelves were universally empty. As the “curve” has flattened, toilet paper is once again becoming more abundant. Why? I will tell you why: I have no idea, but I have a theory. Perhaps it is because initially, in the early days of COVID the CDC, the press and politicians scare the poop out of us. Hence, resulting runs gave us the run on TP.

Common sense prevails. Now that we are less “scared poop-less” we require less TP, i.e. the threat of COVID is scientifically inversely proportional to the amount of toilet paper on the shelf at Walmart.

My conclusion: ignore Fauci and the CDC with their COVID tables and graphs and pie charts which change with every 24-hour news cycle. Instead, simply scan the toilet paper shelves…the more available toilet paper, the less likely you will die from COVID. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is what’s known as an inverse proportion.

There is, however, another equally alarming possibility: the demand for TP has lessened as the world is simply becoming more constipated.